my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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