as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
