you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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