if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
