BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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