Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Randomize
