So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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