Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize