you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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