i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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