If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
