note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
