also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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