he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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