I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
