He asked to "fluff my boner.."
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
