I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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