Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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