Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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