My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
she smelled like a LAN party
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
