My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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