My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
