If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
