I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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