dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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