you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
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