LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
