If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Randomize
