My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
whose parrot is this?
i think my cat just said my name.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
