I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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