laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
