My underwear smells like fireworks.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
