i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
4 words: hood of his car
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
