i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
it's like iHOP with fire
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
