my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
