What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
