He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
