I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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