I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
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