Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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