Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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