woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
