too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
