I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
