No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
