why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
