it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
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