We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
