so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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