i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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