genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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