Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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