I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
