She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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