I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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